Please share links to your equally halfassed squash carving and decorating skills in the comments.
My mom got me a pumpkin while she and dad were visiting last week. To make a Jack-o-Lantern. I wasn't going to bother but then when I got home last night and the pumpkin is all sitting there sad and uncarved I felt kinda sorry for it.
Pumpkins are a bit pointless. In fact Hallowe'en as the drunken commercial candy coma evening we know today was probably perpetrated solely
by the pumpkin manufacturers of North America to shill their unwieldy
and tasteless squash. Without it pumpkins would have become extinct
centuries ago. The same would have happened to broccoli if it had not been "discovered" to "help prevent cancer".
Pumpkins
do not prevent cancer. The only thing that pumpkins prevent is a good
night's sleep due to the guilt you feel for not making a jack-0-lantern
with the one your mom bought you because really she would like to think
you are still ten years old and all the things that are wrong with you
can still be fixed.
The
thing about carving a pumpkin is that when you are done all the things
that are wrong with it are there to stay. Especially if you use
permanent marker to draw on it and then change your mind and actually
carve it some other how.
Suddenly
feelings of failure loom. If only you had thought more about it.
Planned. Bought the Right Tools. If only. It could have been something
like you get on all the techie pop culture web sites this time of year
with the pumpkin carving art.
Do not be decieved. These people are nerds.
Do
not be sad that your pumpkin does not achieve this standard which is
only accomplished with massive amounts of effort, planning, and time
spent not leaving the house or interacting with other human beings.
My
pumpkin falls short of just about every standard there is. Even the
It's Crap standard. Even I was surprised at the sheer and monumentally
pathetic half-assedness of it.
But then stick a cheap scented candle in it and cut the lights...
Beautiful.
Pumpkins
as a metaphor for life. We are all useless and pointless organic
matter. We get beat up and have holes poked in us. But then someone
comes along and cuts off the top of your head, stuffs a light inside it,
and you rampage through the country side devouring bunnies and small
children.
The circle of life is complete.
